紅塵心事

當情人遇到困難時

Hi!

How are you? I am not too sure if you will answer me if I write in English. Basically, I don't know how to type Chinese--sorry! Somehow, I encountered the same situation as Mr. Tu: I missed the word "Pacific" and accidentally came to this place. Well, I found you are someone I can share personal issues with. So I decided to write something here and seek your advice.

It's about myself and my boyfriend, who is a Beijinger. We met last December and both of us love each other very much. We are now separated as I am staying in Hong Kong. We can only communicate through e-mail and on the phone. At this point, it feels like torture to us.

The problem here is we quarrel at least once a week. And we sometimes miscommunicate or misunderstand what we said. Definitely, if we keep quarreling once a week, it's destructive to our relationship. Neither of us want this to happen. We always say, if we were talking face-to-face these problems wouldn't happen. But, due to different reasons, we cannot live together or get married soon. He is 10 years older than me. To a certain extent he is a lot more mature, rational, and wiser. And I always act like a little child. I am quite emotional and have a bad temper. Sometimes, I feel I am not considerate enough. I would like to ask, with all these limitations and constraints, how can we manage our relationship? What should we do?

Having a loved one live far away is both sweet and painful. Now, my boyfriend is having some serious problems with his company and I want to help him. He cares about me a lot. He sometimes doesn't share his problems at work with me to keep me from worrying about him. Even though we both know that when we have problems, we are the only ones that can help ourselves, I really am frustrated and despair when I know he is not happy with his work but I cannot give him a hand to help him. How can I help him? What is the right way to show him I care about him? What's the most proper way to express my care?

Thank you for reading my letter. And I hope to hear your reply very soon. Have a nice day!

Hong Kong．Queenie　

親愛的Queenie：

從妳的信裡，我深切的感受到妳對這份情感的執著和兩地相思的煎熬。相愛的人，自然希望能夠常常相聚，何況你們相識不到一年，更需要時間相處，以增加彼此的了解。好在現在電訊電子科技發達，雖然地北天南，你們仍是可以互訴衷情。但是在情話綿綿之餘，妳說你們也常會起爭執，有時你們會在言辭上發生誤會，造成雙方的不愉快，同時也帶給你們倆困擾。妳問要如何才能維繫住你們這遙遠又親密的關係？

我想人與人的交往，不論是面對面的溝通，或是靠書信電話傳情，都應該要避免自以為是的詮釋和論斷。俗語說：「言者無心，聽者有意」，往往就是因為言者和聽者對訊息的認知產生差距的結果。若是有疑惑，我們應該很平和地問明對方的意思，給對方一個解釋清楚的機會，而不要立刻相信自己的詮釋，錯怪對方的本意。

其次，我認為男女交往，不論年紀大小，都應該要互相尊重、遷就。若是只有一方容忍、寵愛對方，最後他或她一定會因為疲乏和心理不平衡而無法維持下去。不論多麼成熟體貼的男人，都有一顆孩子似的心。不論他在外面世界多麼叱吒風雲，回到家裡，他都需要自己心愛的女人像媽媽般的寵愛他，給他無條件的體貼和關懷。特別是當他在外面受到挫折時，他更需要善解人意的傾聽和支持，而不是更多的批評和意見。

回到妳的第二個問題上，妳說得知他工作上遭遇困難，妳心急如焚，不知該如何幫助他。他真的需要妳的幫助嗎？妳能給他甚麼實質上的幫助呢？他願意接受妳的幫助嗎？一個有自尊心的男人，最怕自己心愛的人看他不起，對他沒有信心。他不但不會喜歡接受女朋友的幫助，就是連她殷切地詢問或是自動給他建議，他可能都會感到壓力和不悅。妳應該對他有信心，相信他的能力比妳強，特別是在處理他自己的事情上。

寫到這裡，我想起敻虹的詩句：「關切是問／而有時／關切／是／不問」。有時候，一個失意的男人，他需要的只是一雙傾聽的耳朵，而不是一張嘮叨的嘴。如果我是妳，我會明白地告訴他，我相信他的能力足以解決他工作上的問題，如果他想與我分享工作上發生的事，我非常願意聆聽，但是，除非是他問我我的看法和意見，我只會做一個最好的聽眾。

妳別擔心太多！也許等他把問題解決了之後，會詳細地告訴你事情的經過和他的戰果。如果他不想常常讓工作上的不愉快影響你們難得的談話時間，妳何不放輕鬆一點兒，多跟他說一些甜蜜快樂的事情呢！

夏林　

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